(Doc) Grandma Talks Too Much

A Story of Communication Styles by Renee Mickler

A good friend shared a story with me about her grandson who told his parents that he didn’t like spending time with Grandma because she talked too much.  This was obviously very hurtful for Grandma to hear as she took it personally and she wanted to have a special relationship with her grandson.  But over the course of our discussion and based on observations of her grandson, she gained a new perspective that was more helpful because it offered her a path forward in building a relationship with her grandson.

His youthful observation magnifies a communication challenge that I see frequently in my coaching practice.  The challenge occurs when two entirely different, but specific personalities engage each other.  Not everyone experiences this but the dynamics between this grandma and grandson are common in both our workplace and personal life.

Of course, there are variations in this common story.  Sometimes the complaint isn’t about talking too much but rather making everything dramatic or urgent.  Sometimes the complaint is about too much chaos or disorganization.  Sometimes the complaint is more ambiguous, “I just can’t understand so-and-so.  All of these descriptions are valid, but I believe the real underlying issue is the energy of the interaction between two people.

People with my friend’s temperament, skills, and personality speak and engage with a high level of energy, emotional energy.  They tend to be dramatic in the content and delivery of their thoughts.  This energy is as much a part of them as any other trait and it serves them well under some circumstances or environments.

Other people (not everyone else) demonstrate a different level or kind of energy.  They have a steady and more consistent pace and less chaotic energy.  People with a calmer, steady energy prefer to interact with people of a similar kind of energy.  They find high energy people overwhelming to some degree.  Of course, people with different kinds of energy can and do interact with each other.  But they typically don’t like to.  This is where they might complain about the person or they might try to avoid the person as much as possible using non face-to-face communications such as email or texting.  (The exception is a romantic or intimate relationship.  And that’s a different article.) 

Case in point:  An administrative assistant, critical to the operations of the executive floor and her supervisor George had reached a crossroads.  Vicky possessed an abundance of emotional energy.  She had an admirable reputation of multi-tasking and bringing both proficiency and liveliness to the company.  George, focused on data, information and analytics, and was well-respected for his attention to detail.  He was not always aware of issues among staff or dysfunctional people dynamics.

From her viewpoint, Vicky strongly felt that she, as well as her ideas, were not respected by George.  Probing, I asked her why she thought that since I knew it wasn’t true.  She believed it was her responsibility to bring HR or people related issues to George’s attention and even make recommendations.

Here’s how these interactions usually proceeded.  Typically, Vicky would wait a few days to get her thoughts together (and build up plenty of energy around the topic).  Then she would find a time when George was quietly working on his computer.  She would go into his office and say, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”  And because he did respect her, he wanted to hear what she had to say.

As she began to describe the HR issue, her voice increased in pitch, her language and information became less focused and more dramatic.  All of the energy Vicky had stored up regarding the topic came out and it was a completely different delivery than she originally planned.  George simply could not process the content of her message.  He had blocked the message.  And he had mentally shut down.

George, just trying to deflect the energy coming at him might say, “I’ll think about it” but he really just wanted the discussion to be over.  And, of course, he didn’t follow up which led Vicky  to believe he didn’t respect her.

I recommended that Vicky try a different approach.  Respecting the differences in communication style, Vicky could organize her thoughts regarding the issue and convey her ideas for resolution in an email.  She could send this email to George and suggest they talk about it in a couple of days.

Weeks later Vicky shared with me that the situation had greatly improved.  She felt valued in the relationship.  George was now listening to her ideas and finally he saw how valuable she could be.  Of course, I was glad she felt respected and valued but George had always thought she was valuable.  I know this to be true because he told me so.  The difference is he could now process what she said and respond differently.

Often the experiences in both our work and personal spaces illustrate the same dynamics, as in the relationship of my dear friend and her grandson.  Grandma with her high level of emotional energy likes adventure, excitement, surprises, drama, colorful and the “new.”  Very little is truly simple in her life because she prefers complexity and ambiguity.  Evan a basic question, What is your favorite color?” solicits an answer, Moroccan Orange.  This is an answer that requires more explanation.

Her grandson likes to play by himself and complete puzzles, both picture and word, read, text and try electronic games and such.  He prefers more routine and structure.  He thrives with a more stable environment and planned day-to-day activities.  Grandma saw this more solitary behavior and jumped in to share experiences with him beyond the usual and typical.  And like George, what does he do?  Grandson shuts down.

Grandma still wants to share new experiences with her grandson and now armed with this insight, she can take a different approach.  The activities she plans now are those where they both get to be the spectators such as sporting events, movies, and concerts where she does not have to drive and maintain the whole conversation.